Kitchen Confidential II: The Reckoning
Apr. 17th, 2007 03:16 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
finefoxyladiesInspired by Anthony Bourdain's self-satisfied, dickish, profane, yet HILARIOUS blog post re: the Food Network Awards, I got off my rear, Googled "Food Network Awards" and screencaps.
So I could present
It's times like this that I miss![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
jesselope and her "air guns, really?" icon. Because...air guns? Really?
Also, lately, when I look at Emeril, I think, "Jerry Lewis? Is that you?"
Dude, didn't Tennessee Williams write a couple plays about this?
I guess I could mock Sandra Lee--after all, I haven't seen that many pleats since my last accordion lesson *ZING-COMMA-RIMSHOT*--but guys, I'm STILL laughing about her angel food Kwanzaa cake. STILL.
Y'know, Flay isn't my favorite Food Network personality by a mile, but this is like that episode where Ralph Wiggum really liked Lisa and took her to the Krusty the Klown anniversary special, and Lisa humiliated Ralph by announcing, on national television, that she didn't like him. And then Bart, having recorded the episode, played it back for Lisa and showed her that he could pinpoint the moment Ralph's heart ripped in two.
Man, that was a good episode.
Anyway, the point is, it's no fun to mock Bobby Flay when you can virtually see his soul dying in this picture.
Okay, by my protractor's measurement, Tyler Florence is either listing off to a 135-degree angle or he hasn't had his V8 today.
Or maybe he had, like, nine V8s that Sandra Lee made at her pre-awards party.
Ladies and gentlemen, the Salma Hayek of the Food Network. Seriously, you can run. You can hide. But you will NEVER ESCAPE GIADA DE LAU-SPA-GITT-EEES AGGRESSIVE BOSOMS.
She's a trained chef, y'all. And the Food Network has turned her into a Charlie's Angel.
I wish desperately and fervently that the photo of Lieberman and Tony the Tiger was somewhere. Kate and I took turns pretending to be Lieberman in monologue to Tony the Tiger.
An example:
"OhmygodTonytheTiger! You'reGRRRRREEEATT!! Once I ate a bowl of Frosted Flakes covered in pixie sticks that were organic that I got at Whole Foods and my dog's name is Bruno and did you know that a human head weighs eight pounds hey there's Tyler Florence! Tyler! Woooooo! Let's go to Chilis and pick up ladies later! I totally believe in dragons! My mom says I need to be in a special class because I have trouble concen...aluminum foil! Yay!!!!"
But sadly, in this photo, he looks pretty normal. Still: golden retriever. Just sayin'. The boy looks like he'd be a C+ in the bedroom department: A for enthusiasm...C for execution.
Wow, are she and Nicole Kidman in some kind of race to see who can OD from Botox? She looks like a Barbie doll.
No joke: the two best-looking people there:
Sadly, there is no photo of Nigella running her hand down Alton's arm. No visual photo. Mental photo that will stay in my memory forever: check.
So I could present
It's times like this that I miss
jesselope and her "air guns, really?" icon. Because...air guns? Really?Also, lately, when I look at Emeril, I think, "Jerry Lewis? Is that you?"
Dude, didn't Tennessee Williams write a couple plays about this?
I guess I could mock Sandra Lee--after all, I haven't seen that many pleats since my last accordion lesson *ZING-COMMA-RIMSHOT*--but guys, I'm STILL laughing about her angel food Kwanzaa cake. STILL.
Y'know, Flay isn't my favorite Food Network personality by a mile, but this is like that episode where Ralph Wiggum really liked Lisa and took her to the Krusty the Klown anniversary special, and Lisa humiliated Ralph by announcing, on national television, that she didn't like him. And then Bart, having recorded the episode, played it back for Lisa and showed her that he could pinpoint the moment Ralph's heart ripped in two.
Man, that was a good episode.
Anyway, the point is, it's no fun to mock Bobby Flay when you can virtually see his soul dying in this picture.
Okay, by my protractor's measurement, Tyler Florence is either listing off to a 135-degree angle or he hasn't had his V8 today.
Or maybe he had, like, nine V8s that Sandra Lee made at her pre-awards party.
Ladies and gentlemen, the Salma Hayek of the Food Network. Seriously, you can run. You can hide. But you will NEVER ESCAPE GIADA DE LAU-SPA-GITT-EEES AGGRESSIVE BOSOMS.
She's a trained chef, y'all. And the Food Network has turned her into a Charlie's Angel.
I wish desperately and fervently that the photo of Lieberman and Tony the Tiger was somewhere. Kate and I took turns pretending to be Lieberman in monologue to Tony the Tiger.
An example:
"OhmygodTonytheTiger! You'reGRRRRREEEATT!! Once I ate a bowl of Frosted Flakes covered in pixie sticks that were organic that I got at Whole Foods and my dog's name is Bruno and did you know that a human head weighs eight pounds hey there's Tyler Florence! Tyler! Woooooo! Let's go to Chilis and pick up ladies later! I totally believe in dragons! My mom says I need to be in a special class because I have trouble concen...aluminum foil! Yay!!!!"
But sadly, in this photo, he looks pretty normal. Still: golden retriever. Just sayin'. The boy looks like he'd be a C+ in the bedroom department: A for enthusiasm...C for execution.
Wow, are she and Nicole Kidman in some kind of race to see who can OD from Botox? She looks like a Barbie doll.
No joke: the two best-looking people there:
Sadly, there is no photo of Nigella running her hand down Alton's arm. No visual photo. Mental photo that will stay in my memory forever: check.