LIVEBLOGGING: THE HORSE GETS TAKEN BEHIND THE BARN

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Courtesy anxietygrrl's roommate:






Sooooooo...that was pretty standard boring non-amazing stuff.

Awwwwww, they added everyone back into the credits.

Would someone please, please take screencaps of Jerry in a ballcap with a cooler?

I would very much like to run my hands all around Scott Grimes' curls.

Alexis Bledel sort of just got thrown in there, huh? That's a tribute! To Carter! Only Bledel will only be on the show for, like, 44 minutes and not 92 years.

I can't believe that Gates is...whatever. You know what? Whatever. The writers clearly have NO PERSPECTIVE on that character, with his smug face and his stupid mouth full of asnine words that are dumb.

"Blah blah blah drinking causes you to...hey, did I ever tell you guys about the time I was so drunk I banged an intern? That was awesome!"

And great, now Gates has gotten preachy mcgee syndrome from his nongirlfriend.

Hee hee hee! "Get away from me or I'll hit you!" How does he sell the most pedestrian lines?

YAY! I LOVE THAT COP! HE DESERVES A WHOLE SHOW! HOORAY! I LOVE LOVE LOVE THAT COP!

Unrelated: it is just as I dreamed...Andrew Bernard wearing a red-and-black checked Elmer Fudd hat. Thank you, Lord.

Okay, Gates, it's okay for us to be annoyed with Frank, but you? You don't get that right.

"I cured cancer. I built this rocking horse from a redwood. Please recognize my divine rule. All Hail King Carter. I'm crinkly and handsome."

Ha ha. Poop.

And hearing Rory Gilmore giving med orders in her squeaky Rory voice is disconcerting.

This last-ditch attempt to make Gates seem empathetic and likable is stupid.

Guck. I'm sorry, but who cares? Where is the drama in this? And this actress is...dude, you can hear the community theater in her inflection. "Maybe...BEAT BEAT...Maybe I...BEAT BEAT BEAT...maybe I could have (dissolves into tears)..."

Yep. Get all those close-ups of Gates in. You go, show. We like him now. Good work.

Jeeeeeeeeeesus. No offense to Sam Jones III, but boooooorrrrrinngggg.

Ooooooooooh! Is John Carter finally going to land Susan Lewis? Fucking rad. Good for ol' Crinkles Carter.

And one last birth on ER. Some other show will have to provide us at least two minutes of over-the-top screaming per hour now.

Seriously: if I heard Alexis Bledel's voice when I was giving birth, I'd pinch my knees together.

I love whenever Frank's unimpressed facade melts. So awesome.

Okay, I am so over the screaming. We get it, ER. Raw moments of human drama. Fucking do some of your crappy attempts at humor now.

I wish the show would back off Stamos' grill. Damn.

[BELEAGUERED SIGH] THE MORE YOU KNOW! SHOOTING STAR! NBC! SOCIAL LESSONS! FROM UNCLE JESSE!

If someone writes Rachel Green/Carter/Corday fic, I'll die laughing.

Fixin' cars. Fixin' kids. Carin' too much. That's our Gates! *SHOOTING STAR* *PUNCH IN FACE*

AIDS: still killing people. FYI, America, you bunch of pink-ribbon-wearing bastards.

Off-topic: Wolverine looks like a heap of stupid. But Ryan Reynolds + swords. Also: Liev Schreiber as furry bad guy.

Jerry and Frank are getting a spinoff, right? I want to get updates on Jerry's beard.

Dude. Morris was just hanging around because he was DYING to ask about Ray. "So...how's Ray? Are you guys married yet? Can I be best man? You guys are the best. 4EVAH!"

The basketball with googly eyes aka Ernest Borgnine is back! Yay!

Okay, and rewinding to the eleventy kids: is this going to turn out to be some deal about how they are uber-religious and charged with bringing eleventy kids into the world?

"I claim-a this hospital wing for Spain!"

Way to snag Thandie Newton, guys! For a thankless cameo, no less.

"Also: I saved Darfur. Thank you."

I love that Wyle still awkwardly smiles while Not Crying. I'm going to start retroactively finding Carter adorable.

God, this guy is EVERYWHERE tonight. Why is Gates making Googly Basketball cry?

Alex's present: burning down another apartment with an old man in it. Thanks, honey!

So does this mean that Morris/Sam isn't going to happen and Sam won't be redeemed and will end up hitched to that shitbird Gates? Fine.

This is the dumbest fucking thing ever.

You know what would cure Rory of her self-doubt? A good deep dicking by Brenner. I mean, you know, it helped her that one time with Logan! And Brenner is susceptible to cure by sexual healing.

Dude. Susan Lewis is so totally looking to get Carter drunk and shag him. Awesome. Too bad Thandie "Mission Impossible II" Newton is hanging around.

Ha ha! Old man boner!...will this show just end already?

Sorry, but even Jerry cannot save the Magical Car subplot.

Is Googly going to teach Sam about love? GROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNN!

I hope that the bar scene ends with the Ghost of Green watching from a balcony or something. Like Hamlet's Father. With an eyepatch.

kirbyfest, I think you and Jerry should host a joint party.

"Hi, Mom! Our bitter relationship is healed now that you are dying! Even though you were just cursing at me two episodes ago! Awwwwwwwwwwww! CARS ARE MAGIC!"

Susan, just jump on Carter in the cab. He's sort of weak from the new kidneys, but I'm sure he'll appreciate the sex.

Oh, mercy. Corday and Benton: The Reckoning. Awesome. Did they just spring that on La Salle?

I half expected Benton to disappear like a ghost after the ambulance passed.

When is Carter going to acknowledge that Morris is totally awesome now? When, when, when?

I love Jerry; I hate Gates.

Dude, I suck: the weepy googly Borgnine kind of killed me.

Scott Grimes saying "meat lovahs" made my night.

I would appreciate less Gates. And we don't get one more webcam with Neela?

Holy sacrilege! Carter and Gates playing basketball! Yikes!

"Stacy! You're in the hospital! Stacy! Do you know how many teens die from alcohol-related accidents and binge drinking every year, Stacy? Stacy! YOU ARE A STATISTIC, STACY!"

"And it turns out that convict went on to rape Boomer Morrison! True story!"

And the explosion turns out to be Benton and Corday pulling a prank. The End.

Seriously, it's going to end with the shit they started to pull around season 4 when they ran out of ideas? Ugh, for lazy.

Yikes. That was anticlimactic and pretty lame.